When someone is gratuitously injured - 1 point When said injury is described as 'agonising' - 2 points When a character dies - 1 point A major character dies - an extra point A character is hurt so badly he wants to die - 2 points A character actually kills himself - 3 points A character asks someone to kill him - 5 points A character commits an act of gratuitous non-swearing - 1 point A character is suffering from unrequited affections - 1 point (extra point if the duration of said affections exceeds 3 years) A character lusts after another character in a manner so coyly described that no-one actually notices - 3 points A character speaks with an accent of some kind - 1 point When said accent is non-English - extra point You spot a carefully undated historical reference being dropped - 1 point You can identify the date in question - 2 extra points You can identify that the date is wrong - 5 points Two characters have a telepathic or other extra-sensory link - 2 points When a flashback takes place - 1 point An intervening scene is omitted, only to appear in flashback - 2 points The entire story is narrated in flashback - 5 points Score 1 point for every occurrence of: - 'glance', 'eyes', 'gaze' - 'momentarily', 'briefly', 'for an instant' - 'scowled', 'bristled', 'glowered' Score 3 additional points for each further synonym spotted. When a character is referred to by more than one name - 1 point Excluding family nicknames - 2 points Character's full name has more than 3 syllables - 3 points Character's full name has more than 3 words - 5 points When a major character is described as unattractive - 1 point And dark-haired - extra point And short - 3 points When a major character has an unsavoury past - 2 points When said character is gratuitously unpleasant in order to reinforce a negative self-image - extra point In which doubt is cast upon said character's sanity - extra point Multiple narrators are used - 1 point Multiple narrators are used to observe all the cast from the viewpoint of each in turn - extra point More than seven different narrators are used - 5 points If you can identify the above story - 15 points (give that man a round of applause: thank you)
Now, how many points have you got? Dear me -- are you sure you counted that right, Madam?
No, no, not at all -- just hand them to my pretty assistant here (give 'em a smile, Betty: always pays off in the long run).
Thank you. Now, a few magic passes, and -
Oh dear.
Well, never mind. It's not as if they were very valuable, Madam, after all. Now if your husband would care to pass his gold watch up to the front...
What, so soon? How unfortunate. Indeed: family crises -- always occurring without the slightest notice. No, I wouldn't dream of it, Madam. Betty, refund the lady.
<door slams>
CHEAPSKATE..!